Objectives

OBJECTIVES OF Grief Counseling

The primary objective of grief counseling is to work with the seven most painful to face the feelings, everything else is a derivative of it. Any other painful feelings may be linked to them. For example, anger at the root of resentment and frustration, fear is the source of fear and insecurity, emptiness and gives rise to the abandonment and loneliness. Shame is a combination of fear and guilt. There is the fear of what others might think if they knew.

UsThree goals in bereavement support. The first and most fundamental objective is to identify and explore the scope and intensity of painful sensations that are suffering. Identify the feelings of the customer to help cognitively, and then for the entire spectrum from fear to despair of experience and intensity of painful feelings about the loss or losses.

The second objective is to change maladaptive behavior or decisions that are related to the loss identified. This objective is veryimportant treatment for the loss that was complicated when the painful feelings are not met in a healthy way occurs. Instead of being expressed and shared, defended and protected, which is in the unhealthy behavior or maladapted. Maladaptive behavior choices means invalid or unenforceable or unhealthy. If we continue to see this behavior for years, over a long period of time, then we see this as a complex experience of our painClient.

"Decision" is an interesting word, because the actions taken decisions or ways of addressing the pain, often unwittingly or not, but are still decisions. A person can choose again, may take different decisions about pain and how to deal with him on how to deal with him.

The third goal of grief counseling is to complete pending, and say goodbye to say hello. It 'hard to say hello to new life experiences, so to speak,Farewell to old pain and say goodbye we want to let go. Goodbye and letting go, acceptance and learning, a frequently used word that refers to all the same.

Farewell really covers all three goals for grief counseling. A person is not bad enough, or leave it, or let go until he has worked with pain, has identified and changed the choices of behavior, and completed his unfinished work.

You can see that these goalscomply with the consultation process as we discussed. It is simply a repetition of what we discussed. As we will see the loss and grief, I'd like you to think about your loss. This could be the death of loved ones, broken relationships, loss of parental authority and relationships are the biggest, most difficult.

After recording a loss and the person may express sadness, how many times have you back to that loss? One might thinka person could these feelings surrounding a waste of time limit only with the experience again in this place again. As you know when enough is enough?

There are two different viewpoints. The cognitive school says that does not really get rid of the pain, you just know everything about it. They are so familiar with him that she no longer has power over you. And the only way to know everything about it. There is no other way. So it's a point where cognitive therapy hasMourning is, otherwise there is no true knowledge of pain.

The other school of thought represented, for example, individuals, psychological drama with a plot that, if the pain you can release them, and they get rid of it. It may take time to complete for catharsis, but eventually the pain will be gone completely.

I rather think it is a combination of both. It is a cathartic effect, and some of the pain is shared, but thenaway there is cognitive in the knowledge intensity of pain that takes its power from it. I am no longer afraid of pain. I know, and I thought it would be presumed, and when in order. I embraced the pain.

Interventions for the emotions of grief

Search Now we go to painful feelings. The first goal of grief counseling is to identify and explore the range and intensity of pain sensations. It 'important for us to reviewthese feelings and some therapeutic interventions for working with the person suffering to propose. We must also recognize that the fear goes from painful feelings.

Imagine a manager of a successful company that has never experienced the tragedy of his life, no loss of relief. He has a wife and three children, and he gets a call that one of his sons, six or seven years, the child was hit by a truck and killed in front of the house. The child came home from school andcrossing the street in front of a truckload of gravel from a nearby yard and was killed. Now this man has a lot of responsibility to provide for his family and maintain his current activities, and a tragic loss, goes out for consultation. It 'very difficult for him to start his pain because he was afraid of what?

Afraid to fall apart and not get in position, with all that has to do. He needs to maintain the company imagePerson. He is the way this has worked for many years and continue with its heavy responsibilities. So, not before intense pain, he knows that is not going to cause him to fall apart.

In fact, they do not realize that if he can not suffer, then going to fall apart. It will be just the opposite of what he is afraid. Therefore, we must help them overcome the fear that the person, and do it the way, is to encourage talkingAbout the fear, to validate the fear, to reflect on how it can be scary, and then invites him to say just a little 'about them.

Fear

I think this is a very effective approach when working with clients very resistant locked: invite him to say, just a little 'for some' fear that he may have. And if you feel that the support can go to another painful feeling.

A gradual approach to the feared object is crucial to work with fear. Rememberthat whenever there is reason to fear, there is resistance, resistance. It 'so important to go slow, invite the person to say that anxiety before and after revealing to ask why was talking about. Then I invite him to a little 'more to say.

Whenever there is disclosure of difficult, painful experience, make sure that the process with the words: "As has been talking about it? E 'permit process?" This allows the customer to the pace and scope of the disclosure and control validationthe process and its sense of security that must be maintained.

Sometimes the fear is about feeling as much pain, become depressed or sad that he never stop crying. So we can say: "I wonder if we are afraid that if you start to cry, never stop, and fill the world with your tears." This can release the sadness, and he will notice that the shouting was over and it has survived. This will help the healing and life becomes easier and lesssad.

Anger

Some mourners find it easier to access than their sadness anger. They are used to defend their anger against their sadness. You feel anger, but very weak and vulnerable to sadness. In general, the person who finds it easier to access anger in pain, has a personality aggressive. They are usually spoken, direct and opinionated. can be validated in collaboration with the very angry, hurt customers who have problems as long as it needs to be validated. Draw outand encouraged to give the right to anger.

If we can confirm or support of any person, the anger that comes the feeling that the next? The funeral will be a bit 'easier if the anger was properly supported. Now, with the individual person, easier access to pain, we must help him to express anger. The individual person feels guilty for the anger and fear of their destructiveness. For rabies, you can use the word "cheated" or other words to achieve thatPerson feels safe with.

So we can say: "I wonder if they feel a bit 'cheated? Her husband is dead, you're expected to work together to retire in grade, were happy to know that now and he's gone. I wonder if you feels cheated just a little 'about it? "And sometimes, what I find is that when I feel betrayed and minimize the use of the word with that individual, and maximize say" Yes, I feel really cheated. " And I say: "Go and tell you more deceived." In fact, itTalk about their anger, but just not with this word.

Try words that are not in the client or trigger feelings of guilt or fear into anger. Groped to use different approaches and different words. Here are some other approaches.

You can say things like, "What are some" why "questions? If you ask" why "questions about the death of your father or the death or your child what would they were?" What are some of these "why"? Why do we die? Why him? Whyleft me? Why not me? Why does God allow this? Often the anger is directed toward God So I say: "What is the feeling that the question of why? Fear, anger, guilt, sadness, emptiness?

If he were a child, the client may ask why a child died. Why not an old person? Why not someone who had lived a full life? Why a child? Anger is that with this problem, the indignation, the sense of injustice, injustice. Sometimes customers are angry. Then you caninvites him to say more about anger. And you can support the confirmation.

Another thing we can do is say: "Talk about lost hopes and dreams." Lost hopes and dreams are deceived as to the hopes and dreams are not convinced that this death and this loss has occurred. There is a sense of being cheated on it. Another thing I do to attract the anger may be an explanation for my customer design repeated. I can, why design a question or a statement of guilt.

ForFor example, in the case of an abusive parent in working with loss of parental care and proximity, are able to interpret the statement: "You who do not care, but themselves. They also did not bother me, you cared All was the bottle. Try this. I can say without compromising my voice.

You can customize a policy, I invite you to repeat your customers and reach for a feeling. "How to say? Come to insert it and what feelings, if you say that? What choiceThe words you have for this man? "Go for the chosen words and strong words, if the customer has them in his vocabulary. For the type of customer the choice of words to him, ask him what some choice words may be added. The customer may not have liability choice words in his vocabulary. Some of these words could be potentially very serious and powerful.

We have facilitated the expression of emotions by insults, I was talking to the customer, was severely beaten, abused. Usmust find a way to vent this anger in a therapeutic context, not face to face with the author. So you do not really want to grow, but he wants to allow the person to feel that it is good to hear that, annoyed.

Sometimes the anger is addressed as a defense consultant. If a client is very strong and starts to struggle with the consultant, we can say: "I wonder if hanging on the fight is not always a way for your healing." When you realize this, directly"Now speak, what to speak behind the battle over what is difficult to talk about what hard-to-face."

Sadness

When can I start to get the anger and pain with a customer, I say, "I wonder if you're to defend this rage against a different feeling." Or: "I wonder if this anger is easier than sadness." Or if a customer of both anger and sadness, I say, would "Which one is easier for you to express feelings identified?"

Could be identified as rabiesprimary sense, and I can get a bit 'of melancholy. Maybe he had a little 'sad, and then I said: "It's easier for you to hear?" And depending on what you choose, invite them to speak, on the contrary, because no one wants to work with the needs discussion. The key to progress is to invite a person to explore and integrate what is more difficult.

Other ways to get the pain is to say the following:

"To say his name."The name of a loved one can be loaded with sadness and unexpressed until you ask.

"Talk about a happy memory." The happy memories brings a sense of loss and grief.

"Talk about the last time I saw him." The last memory may be death or sadness and pain for this.

"What you see as the presentation? It 's like if you are looking for something." Draw mental images can be associated with sadness, because the past is still alive intoday.

"You will never see his face." The realization of the finality of death is often sad but true.

"You left?" This brings to the sadness about the finality of loss and is the key to letting go.

During the observation of the client's emotional reaction, noting the key words and phrases, just before the sadness, then repeat these words at an appropriate time to facilitate mourning. For example, when a client describes the crying childwas killed by a "Power Truck. Later, I simply said: "It 's been a truck power," and asked the customer.

Remember to always process the process has ended after a client to cry and said: "What has been like a conversation about this and feel these things? It 'ok to cry?" And when she says, she says this: "It 's normal to feel with what you have to part. They loved him."

Debt

Guilt is one of the main reasons that people develop very maladaptive behaviors. A personyou feel very guilty not believe that you deserve happiness, so what makes you think he deserves? Punishment. The penalty is due, so may I wish the person, how it feels to explore the debt? Maybe a little 'too? This is the same technique can explore every feeling. How much anger do you feel? A little ', very, at an average? I want to measure how much of this feeling that they have.

If you feel more guilt, or identifyGuilt I say: "I wonder if he knows how to punish perhaps themselves."

And then I'll tell you what some people do. "Sometimes when people are guilty, They may not like the feeling that depressed, will hang in his life. They can not keep up with their lives. You can not experience pleasure can not be too close to the people, can not really accept the challenges and opportunities that lifehas to offer. And I wonder if you know how to punish you in some small way? "

A useful approach is to use hyperbole: "I wonder if you life in prison." If the customer does not believe they have the chance to see what he did and decide, let the self-punishment. "What will you do differently? You can let go of this?" and "What would (tell your loved ones)?"

Be used to minimize and exaggeration

So to use again thatMinimization of art, because it is easier for people to think of ways sometimes small, and then open other areas of consciousness. Thus, a person to choose and then say: "I wonder if it will enter a life sentence you?" This is the use of exaggeration. In other words, we take this metaphor to its logical conclusion, or is extreme, it could be something like a life sentence of punishment from depression. For example, I had a client who lived a rebellious life,and then his mother died suddenly of a heart attack. He left for the death of his mother, and was chronically depressed due to a number of years. When I saw him in treatment I studied with him at fault, and I said: "I wonder how can you punish? I wonder if perhaps depression is a possibility that can be done?" And he recognized her. He continued by saying that he does not deserve to be happy. He felt that his life was a cause for the death of his mother. And so I said: "I wonderif you go, himself a life sentence? "It stopped and the wheels turned and made a new decision. He retired from guilt.

With the completion of intervention or extreme exaggeration, a person pulls back from the possibility of an exaggeration. He will say: "No, it will be taken up at this point." This client has started, real change, real improvement in his direction. If people really feel guilty, will not be preserved, theirMourning. Receive stuck in it, and that is their unconscious form of punishment.

Hanging on or letting go

Some people can not be over their grief and their anger or other painful feelings to work because hung, debt is a way to cling to the deceased. Sometimes I'll put a Sun customer will say: "I wonder if hanging on the debt can be a way to hang Mom?" And sometimes do not realize it, have not thoughtit in this sense. If he does, helps them decide not to hang.

I've heard customers say: "I do not want to hang. This means letting go of guilt. So can problems with is: "I wonder if hanging on that rage a way to hang the man you divorced?" Hanging on for the fight can be a way to hang. Hanging on the war on your ex-husband may be hung on a path of Dad. "

You can not get people to the front with the words: "It 'to let go easily. It is not something you need to hurry. "What we often hear is:" How do you let go? "And I say:" By just doing what you do today. Talking about your feelings into words what exactly doing what you're doing, and I encourage you to continue to do. How is it that today, talking about your pain? "And they say:" It 's difficult. "

I said that some people use anger to sadness and pain to use to cover other problems. So sad is notnecessarily the basis of sentiment, although often the person who is very annoying, is for him to get his pain important.

For the person who is very sad, especially when he had to be stopped as a sign of mourning for a long period seems, weeks, months or perhaps years, perhaps because it does not address the anger, or has not dealt with the guilt or both.

Empty

So we come to yet. The void is something that a person can try. But sometimes aPerson to fill the void, or try to fill that emptiness, or the gap with other painful feelings. It 'easier than the feeling of emptiness or anger excruciating feeling of emptiness, loneliness, that loneliness.

Sometimes, early bereavement support, that person can identify with emptiness, and the way I have this to say: "What goes into this work nothing can? Will empty sad, angry, empty, empty, afraid , empty, guilty, empty what? "I associatewith a different feeling of emptiness.

And I invite the emptiness of his work, and the only person to speak to the void. You can use a lost loved one to speak, who was in his life at the table or on the bed beside her, if there is a partner, a spouse. The spouse came to the door at the same time, the calendar is for so many years, and now that person is gone and the space at the table in the bedroom, the door.

When a child dies, there isenormous void, because the child occupied so much time parents, and contributed so much to the noise level. The child is leaving a deafening silence, which is very painful. We need to identify a person, which is empty and then decide to help this.

Now the gap is more than one person, as it receives support and is capable of, Those other painful emotions, anger or sadness, to put into words. When they go to let anger or sadnessVacuum can still be there and you can even more clearly on the person. Above all, I find that clients report feeling of emptiness when I invite them to talk to let go or leave his beloved.

For example, I sometimes use the empty chair, a person for a loved one on leave, and then discover the sensations that he ask about the Left. I say: "What is in your hands in the feelings, as you say goodbye and how to speak farewellyour father or your son? What are feelings? Fear, anger, guilt, emptiness, despair? "And nine times out of ten choose a vacuum, because what remains when we say goodbye to someone I am.

Well, if a person has done a good deal of grief, I will have this gap in treatment with the words: "may have work in a kind of crossroads in your grief. This is nothing you can fill in the old pain, and put your old ways and not always with yourLife, not drifting, its proximity to other people, or you can begin to fill this void with life challenges is to offer as close to take Risks, so that you are enjoying life with pleasurable experiences. Which way you going to this intersection? "

This is a cognitive technique that the customer an informed decision about what to do or how they can do to Go This is the transition to the reconstruction of life and say hello to newPeople and experiences.

Seeing the hidden losses

If this is the emotional distance, a loss of connection, or if the person lost WAS so angry, may be more buried and the mourning for the loss of closeness, if the person lives or has been experienced before the loss.

A woman marries a man who, after two or three years of marriage, who disclosed he was homosexual, and then ended the relationship. She does not go through a mourning process at all, if indeedover. He returned to work the next day and two months after she met another man. Married and had children, and I am not aware would be much more through the pain. Why? After marriage, the loss was not the end of marriage. She worried when they learned for the first time, was gay, she was angry, sad, felt guilt, low self-esteem, emptiness.

The pain is intense as the type of experience when he was meant to be lived. If it was not a significant emotional bond is notmuch of a loss. If he's homosexual, it is understandable that perhaps was not much intimacy or closeness, or bonding. It may have been a different kind of relationship, more like a brother and sister who married. So you have invested so much.

A woman came to me after a talk I gave, and said when her mother died not mourn them. She wanted to know why they cry, because other people. He wondered why do not interfere. I asked"You were with your mother in the neighborhood?" and she said "No!" It's never been close all these years. And I said, "I wonder what feelings arise in you when you do not think all the years in close to your mother?" That's when the tears welled in her eyes. This is what was his pain. It was not the death of their mother. It was about the loss of closeness in their lives.

Low self-esteem

A person may feel low self-esteem, especially when he discovers feelingsDebt, because if a person feels very guilty feeling it is not worth, you feel deserve to live.

A person may also experience low self-esteem, if it comes from a broken home and now has suffered a tragic death of a loved one. You may feel as if he did not really deserve to live their lives for him. Low self-esteem sometimes happens when people negotiate, for example, with God on the life of the deceased. So you can hear a personsaid: "I'm really what must die. Do not let children die. Take me, God." So in this type of collective bargaining, the implicit message is: "I am not as positive as the child." A person can be very depressed, and to isolate or to deprive himself of pleasure in life, because you do not feel worthy or deserving.

In cases of sexual abuse, low self-esteem is too good, to feel connected or dirty. Things to do something, if it is dirty or unnecessary? You throw it away. This isa different type of loss that we have not yet spoken. Sexual abuse is a very significant loss. Feeling dirty or shame is closely linked to and leads to self-abuse by the choice of relationships and unhealthy lifestyle or behavior that the distance from others, such as obesity or aggression.

Despair

Desperation and despair are the sum of those other painful emotions, and as a person is involved in the process of mourning and obtain support and validation, which oftenthis decrease despair. Desperation may appear soon in fear, but as security improves relationship advice and the therapeutic alliance, desperation leads sometimes to do with the fright.

Despair is often accompanied by confusion. A person can be a lot of painful feelings inside that he does not recognize, process, especially early in the mourning. He feels desperate because she has all the intensity of pain, but was not able to order them. The wayWorking with him during the process and identify the different emotions and help him work through them, reducing confusion and despair.

Before the loss relates to loss of current

If a person has suffered significant losses in their lives, the process of coping is easier for them? It depends on how they dealt with previous losses. When they met with their previous losses so unhealthy to bury the feelings, sensations, or dumping or by distancing themselves fromothers can become a model.

For example, some people will not take leave alone, and you wonder where they went. It may well be that hang their style or their style in dealing with loss and separation from previous experiences in life. Sometimes when a person is a tragic loss, leading to their loss experience. And if it seems difficult to establish and maintain an intimate relationship with life and always the goal,It may be due to outstanding issues with a previous loss.

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